15 Common Things Parents Say That Hurt Their Child’s Confidence

The language we use with children can influence the child’s self-image, social-emotional well-being, and sense of safety. As a parent, getting annoyed or angry or blowing the lid off things is normal, but some things parents say to their children can also make them feel like they are not wanted or loved. Realizing the consequences of our spoken words is crucial to establishing healthy, affectionate bonds with our children. Now and then, there are things parents might say to the child that would make them feel rejected, and how to say the same stuff positively that would encourage good emotional health.

“Stop Crying”

When we order a child to ‘stop crying,’ we tell them their feelings are invalid. It may make them feel forced to conceal their emotions; this might result in the effects of emotional distancing. Instead of avoiding or denying their tears, try telling them it is okay to feel upset. Try entering such lips: “Why do you feel this way?” This informs them what they think is okay and promotes good emotional communication.

“Why Can’t You Be More Like Your Sibling?”

Comparing with a sibling leads to feelings of inadequacy and resentfulness when one child is compared to another. It could make your child think they will never be good enough or meet your expectations. Instead of competition, try to complement each other by saying, “I liked how you dealt with that; let’s continue with it together.” Another strategy of this approach is to encourage learning and also embrace diversity.

“You’re So Dramatic”

When your child tries to convey their feelings, you can dismiss them as being too dramatic, making them feel bad. They may begin to believe that emotions are blown out of proportion or minor, and individuals may develop low self-efficacy for emotional expression. As a more empathetic version, it will sound like this: “You seem quite angry.” So, what seems to be the problem? That makes them feel like essential assets and new ideas and issues can be brought up to be solved without resorting to violence.

“Because I Said So”

While it’s tempting to use “because I said so,” when a child asks for explanations, it can make them feel dismissed or powerless. Children crave understanding, and denying them explanations can result in feelings of frustration and erode trust. But instead of that, you may try something like, “Well, I want you to do this because it would be safer this way.” This assists them in appreciating your logic and working well with your ideas.

“You’re Annoying”

It is highly demoralizing to your child when you call them ‘annoying,’ especially when you are upset about their overly aggressive or noisy behavior. Regardless of whether the patient’s actions annoy you, responding to them without insulting the patient is necessary. For instance, it would be more effective to say, “I am threatened by such noise at this moment, but we can talk, play, or whatever in a few moments.” This is an excellent example of creating limits that do not make someone feel left out or unwelcome.

“I Don’t Have Time For This”

Telling your child you don’t have time for them can make them feel unimportant or neglected. Children need to feel that they are a priority, and repeatedly hearing this phrase can lead to feelings of rejection. Even if you’re busy, a more positive approach would be, “I can’t talk right now, but I want to hear about this—can we chat later?” It also helps to demonstrate to them that their ideas are valued and that you’re willing to spend the time to listen.

“You’ll Never Learn”

Telling a child, “You’ll never learn,” or any other negative thing simply puts them off, and they will not learn anymore. It makes them conceive the signal that what they do does not have the capacity to grow. It’s not okay to fail, but instead, you can try encouraging the child by saying, “It’s alright; you are still growing.” This helps assure the children that you have confidence in them that things don’t happen overnight.

“You’re Too Sensitive”

To say that your child is too sensitive is to label their feelings as illness and generate feelings of shame and vulnerability. Often, it’s significant to define them as minor and, at the same time, show empathy towards them. A better way to respond is by saying, “I understand that this hurt you—can we discuss why?” This affirms the children’s feelings and puts them in the proper standing to let out their negative feelings healthily.

“You’re Embarrassing Me”

Telling a child, “You are embarrassing me,” especially during tense times when everyone is around, including during games, denounces the child/ teenager. This tends to give them the impression that your looks are far more significant than their emotions, each time causing an emotional downturn. Instead, raise your tone at the child and tell them, “We’ll discuss it later when it is just us.” This is welcome since it helps protect their pride while at the same time enabling you to further this issue in the cover of confidentiality.

“I Wish You’d Just Listen”

Speaking to your child and saying, “I wish you’d just listen,” when you are upset can make them feel helpless and like they’re failing when they are not. I can see this as impatience, possibly dissuading them from seeking further information next time. This is preferable to, “You simply have to listen so we can sort this out.” It promotes much more positive engagement in the form of problem-solving rather than assigning faults.

“You’re Making Me Mad”

Telling your child, “You are making me mad,” wrongly blames the child as if they caused the parent’s anger, which is unsuitable for the child. It also helps them understand that they generally dictate others’ emotional states – an unhealthy lesson. For instance, instead of announcing, “I am angry today,” one should say, “I am irritated today; I think I should take a break.” The positive nine-year-old child model fosters good emotional regulation and also takes the blame off the child.

“You Always Mess Things Up”

Telling your child, “You always mess things up,” can make them feel like they can never get anything right. It can leave them scared to try new things because they don’t want to disappoint you. Instead, try saying, “It’s okay, mistakes happen. Let’s figure out how to make it better together.” This way, they know you’re on their side, and it helps them learn that mistakes are just part of growing.

“You’re Too Young to Understand”

Saying, “You’re too young to understand,” can make a child feel left out or like their questions don’t matter. Kids are naturally curious, and shutting them down might stop them from wanting to learn. Instead, try explaining things simply. You could say, “Let me explain it in a way that makes sense to you.” This shows them their curiosity is important and helps them feel included.

“You’re Not Good at That”

Telling a child, “You’re not good at that,” can really hurt their feelings and make them stop trying. It can make them think they’ll never get better, which isn’t true. Instead, try saying, “You’re still learning, and that’s okay. Let’s practice together.” This helps them feel supported and shows that mistakes are just part of learning.

“Leave Me Alone”

Telling your child to “leave me alone” when you’re overwhelmed or stressed can make them feel rejected and unloved. Every human needs their own space, but this must be done in a way that does not offend or upset the child. For example, you might say, “I’d like some alone now but will be able to help with conversing or playing later.” This assists them to appreciate that your sometimes need of personal space does not mean you love them any less.

The language you use to communicate with your child affects how they grow up emotionally and whether or not they feel safe. I have realized that even when this group of learners is angry, one should very carefully choose the words that he says to them to the effect that they are unwanted or not loved. Changing these phrases to positive and compassionate language fosters positive interpersonal relationships between the child and you and between your child and others who may be using these phrases. Like in any other relationship, talking is essential, and being careful about what you say will ensure you will have a healthy work relationship with your child for the rest of your life.

More For You

There are many life skills you might not have learned from your parents. From managing money to dealing with tough emotions, some lessons only come with experience. It’s not their fault—they might not have learned them either! Here are a few important things you probably had to figure out on your own.

This article was first published on the RB ITALIA Blog.