17 Steps to Say Goodbye to People-Pleasing and Hello to Self-Love
If you say yes to others all the time, even when it’s tough for you, you’re not alone. It might feel good to help, but always putting other people first can leave you feeling worn out and unhappy. After a while, this habit can harm your emotional well-being and make you forget to care for yourself. The good news is you can learn to find a better balance and focus on your own needs. Here are some easy ways to stop people-pleasing and take back control of your time, energy, and happiness.
Set Boundaries
Let’s start by setting boundaries. Ask yourself questions such as ‘How often am I ok with helping people?’ ‘How much time do I need for myself every day?’ ‘Who is welcome to my home, and who is not?’ ‘What type of information am I comfortable sharing with people and what not?’ Writing everything down will help you be more assertive in the future.
Acknowledge The Problem
Acknowledging the problem is often the first step towards finding a solution. You can improve your current situation only by accepting that you need to fix something in your behavior. If you read this post, you are probably on the right track.
Learn To Say No
Learning to say no is not easy, but it’s crucial to fix your people pleaser’s tendencies. You can start small, for instance, by declining an invitation from someone you know extremely well, as you can be certain they will understand your reasons. Alternatively, you can find a compromise. For instance, if a friend needs help moving to a new house, you may give one hour of your time but no more than that.
Understand It’s Not Always Up To You
Some people will never like you. Some people will get angry at you for things you never did, and no matter how much you try to explain what truly happened, they will never let go of their anger. Accept the fact that sometimes it is truly not up to you.
Understand The Root Of Your Problem
Understanding why you became a people-pleaser may also help you get over it. This behavior may be rooted in your childhood; for instance, one of your parents or a sibling may deal with the same issue. These tendencies may also be due to extremely busy parents who did not have the time to provide you with all the necessary attention.
Learn to Embrace and Accept Criticism
You cannot satisfy everyone, but the sooner you learn this, the happier you will be. People tend to please those whose criticism they fear, but by embracing criticism as constructive feedback, you can phase out seeking external validation. If someone is critical of you, do not take it personally. Reflect on it and see what you can do about it.
Help Yourself To Help Others
An essential lesson for stopping your people-pleasing tendencies is that only by helping yourself can you truly help others. You won’t be able to be there for your friends if you don’t prioritize yourself. So plan self-care evenings and afternoons spent doing all the things you love the most.
Stop Apologizing
Stop apologizing if you have done nothing wrong. People pleasers often need to say ‘sorry’ when they truly have no reason to do so. They may also take responsibility for others’ actions simply because they don’t want people to fight. However, this is incredibly harmful and does not help solve problems in the long run.
Log-Off Social Media
Do you also have hundreds of WhatsApp chats waiting for your reply? Fight your usual tendency and take a day off from it all. You will probably be surprised by how nothing changes if you answer everyone tomorrow instead. Don’t feel pressured to reply immediately; take all the time you need.
Learn To Let Go
Some people won’t like you no matter what. Acknowledge it and let go. Sometimes, you will make mistakes, and that’s ok. Acknowledge it and let go. At times, you will have to let your friends down. Acknowledge it and let go. People pleasers often lived in the past. Choose the present instead.
Prioritize The People You Love
The inability to say no is often associated with a lack of time for ourselves. We are not only talking about time spent reading books, cleaning your apartment, and watching your favorite shows. It’s also about the time spent with the people you love the most, such as your relatives and friends. They surely deserve more time than some random colleague who asked you for help, knowing you have a hard time saying no.
Ask for Help
Asking for help is ok. For instance, you may tell your friends you are trying to fix your people-pleasing tendency and ask for tips. Or, if the feeling of guilt has become a constant presence in your life, you may try to see a therapist to seek professional advice.
Start Small
Make sure to start small. As we mentioned earlier, setting healthy boundaries and writing them down on a piece of paper can be a great starting point. You can then try to devote an entire hour every day to yourself and no one else. Turn off your phone and do whatever you love the most.
Accept Yourself
People pleasers often feel inadequate when comparing themselves to others. For instance, you may feel that you are not doing enough to help your parents even though everyone else thinks you are the most caring person in their social circle. Start accepting yourself and see the good in you.
Be Patient
Always be patient and kind to yourself, just as you are to others. Change will take time, and it may be weeks before you finally learn to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty. That’s okay. With time and dedication, you can surely prioritize yourself again.
Surround Yourself With The Right People
If all your friends are people pleasers, it will be hard to start prioritizing yourself as you will constantly compare your actions to theirs. The same goes for your relative. For instance, a people-pleasing mother may try to make you feel guilty for not visiting some distant relatives even when you barely have time to take care of yourself.
Seek Professional Help
Even if, after trying everything, nothing works for you, it’s better to get help from a therapist or a counselor. They can help you figure out the reasons you’ve to please everyone and work on yourself in finding ways to cope with this and boost your confidence. Talking to a therapist can make a huge difference in your life and let you get rid of people-pleasing habits.
More For You
Start implementing these strategies, and you will soon be able to spend more time taking care of yourself and the people you love the most. As we mentioned earlier, prioritizing self-care is crucial for your mental well-being and should never be put off. Here is a five-minute skincare routine to give yourself that extra cuddle every morning.
This article was first published on the RB ITALIA Blog.
